Debris and shards

​He thought she was the light in the midst of darkness

The calm that will hold him still despite the mess

The smile that will erase all the pains of the past

The glimpse of a future that will remove the angst

But she was not who he thought she would be

For she gave his mind the opposite of tranquility

Her beauty brought chaos to his shattered heart

Which is still, with futility, trying not to fall apart

As he slowly anticipates the disaster coming inbound

The pieces of debris are starting to hurt the people around

Stuck in this madness of dreaming for her

The shards are making the wounds bigger and deeper

He hopes though that when the time comes,

When she will find a man she deserves,

She’ll find the joy made for her patience

While he falls into the abyss, wrecked and in shambles

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Untitled Piece (Goblin)

An object needn’t be large to have great mass. That girl as tiny as a violet. That girl, drifting in the sky like the petals of a flower draws me to her with a force greater than the one exerted by the earth.

In a single moment, I fell and rolled toward her without rhyme or reason just as Newton’s apple did.

With a thump.

With a thump-thump.

My heart bounced from the heavens to the earth in a dizzying pendular motion.

Such was the moment I’d first fallen in love.

This literary piece is from “Guardian: The Lonely and Great God” (a.k.a. Goblin), a television series produced by Studio Dragon Corporation in South Korea.

The photo is mine.

Silence

Never in my life have I admired silence better

For music, dance, and sounds, I believed

Are what gives life more colour and energy

To live, sing, move, speak, and shout

 

 

But it has been short of complete

For one thing is essential, too

To have a break from the emotions shown

By souls excellently expressing themselves

 

We take it for granted, ignoring it deliberately

We try to find ways to escape its clutches

For we think that what it holds would hold us captive

And send us into a valley of demons inside our heads

 

And so it was, a journey like no other

Silence helps us relive the horrors of our past

Makes us feel the pain and gain of the now

And helps us hope for a future we erected in our minds

 

To feel silence is to walk into the unknown ‘known’

And face, battle, and beat what creeps inside us

For sometimes, true freedom can be achieved

Not by blood, nor by pen, but by a short, quiet break

Lost no more

I’ll run to my first love where I’m free
To the One who has always stayed
For I’m lost no more, He has found me

 

To His welcoming arms I will always flee
When sorrow comes and joy has fade
I’ll run to my first love where I’m free

 

When I pass through life’s biggest mystery
My heart and soul shall not be afraid
For I’m lost no more, He has found me

 

Even in the midst of a deep and dark valley
When trials and storms of life invade
I’ll run to my first love where I’m free

 

I’ll rejoice in His unending love and mercy
In the still waters and the quietness of glade
For I’m lost no more, He has found me

 

And when my life reaches its finality
Either by nature’s grenade or the swing of a blade
I’ll run to my first love where I’m free
For I’m lost no more, He has found me

Breakup Letter

​This is an excerpt from the article “Dump Your Dream Girl” written by Greg Morse in http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/dump-your-dream-girl

 

 

Breakup Letter

 

 

My fairest Galatea,

 

 

How can I part from you? 

Your smile radiates heat warmer than desert sand. 

How can I break this orbit, escaping my every thought of you? 

Be left holding this glass slipper in my hand?

 

 

Immaculate Galatea, how you have wrecked me so. 

Your gaze more entrancing than the shooting stars above. 

I am atrophied; dimmed at years before your marble glow. 

I’ve starved myself of bread to taste your love.

 

 

Bewitching Galatea, I must divorce from you. 

Go from perfect marble feet to that of clay. 

I confess, my heart gives way at giving up on you. 

But I must break from your spell or waste away.

 

 

Royal Galatea, I cannot keep you crowned, 

Ruling my heart’s warmth from far off lands. 

I searched for you — the fairy tale I never found. 

Now I must dash the marble idol of my hands.

 

 

My fairest Galatea, I must now part from you. 

No longer will I drink deeply of Cupid’s wine. 

I see now, that every pant and aching thought of you, 

Was nothing less than thirst for the Divine.

Through the changes

It was a normal day in my house with me watching TV when I got informed about the results of UPCAT 2014. I was still in 4th Year in Valenzuela City Science High School. My Mom told me I was able to secure a slot in UPLB under the BS Development Communication degree program, credits to the Lord Most High. For sure, most of us in our batch got excited. College is another level. Everything is about to change. From the professors, to the environment, to the allowance (hoping it will be way higher lols), to the classmates and friends. But if there’s one person that didn’t get much excited, that’s got to be me. I was worried when I passed UPLB, not that I didn’t want to go (though I was really half-hearted when I enrolled because I wanted to study in UST and my dream school is Ateneo) but because I loved my high school life so much. I endeared it so much, to the point of wishing it would never end.

I started to think about what will happen in college. I was sad thinking my high school tropa will now break up. We’re about to have different schools, FYI. I’m bound for UPLB. One was going to UPD. Another to DLSU. The other was to PUP.  One to UST. One to UE. One to PLV. We were evenly distributed. I was too worried that whenever I am with them, I overthink about the future without them. I struggled trying to enjoy moments knowing they might be the last. Trying to imagine myself living a life far from them was really stressful. Thoughts of change bugs the hell out of me.

And now after three years, I am back in the same situation. Our internship is fast approaching. Then after that comes the thesis era. Then HOPEFULLY graduation. It really bothers me again, knowing there is going to be a change in my life and it is about to happen. I am too worried about everything that happens next, again.

I was afraid because for the next two semesters, I might have less time with my friends (Hello FG!). My schedule is not identical with them. I’m starting to miss the times I ate, walked, laughed, worked, traveled, studied, and shared stories with them, thinking it might rarely happen next semester. I am fearful when something that I get used to do will change. Yes, I am fearful of change. I am fearful knowing that I cannot escape nor control it. Then God reminded me of one of His characteristics which I might be missing out. Malachi 3:6 puts it, “For I the LORD do not change;”. We forget that in a changing world, we are at the hands of an unchanging God with an unchanging love for us. Sometimes we get too worried about what will happen next that we forget the One who holds what’s next. Some of us really experience it right? We fear because we do not have control of the changes we will experience. And God tells us it’s not the way we’re supposed to go. God is the one that should be in control of our lives.

So my prayer is that as we transition from an era of our life into another, may we (including me!) never forget that God holds us even through those transitions. We can fear sometimes but the essential thing is we translate that fear into confidence. And translating that fear means continuously and constantly clinging to His promises like what He said through the Prophet Isaiah:

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

Never hesitate to pin your hopes on the God who never changes. The God who confessed His love for us when He sent His only Son to save us, the God who did not, and will never change, is the same God who will always be with us through everything. Moses reminds us in Deuteronomy 31:6 to “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Let us hold on to God knowing He will always be with us through the changes in our lives, even if our feelings say otherwise.

edicius sthguoht

I’m writing this as a reminder that I’ve passed through this stage in my faith and in my life.

I just don’t freaking care. I think what I’ve been doing in the past weeks is done by the side of me blindly following people and things. What I really feel is I’m left out and rejected. I feel like He does not care about me. His presence might have left me. I don’t know if He’s still with me through this terrible times. I just don’t know.

I’m not attending our youth services for over a month now. When I attend our local services, it’s merely because my Mom and my Dad forces me to attend. For compliance I think? Many things are going through my mind right now. I want to disconnect with any people who loves Him so much and whom He loves so much. What they’d say would just put pain in my ears and my heart.

This campus politics stressed me a lot. I think I’m in the wrong place and the wrong side. I feel like I was just compelled to do things because of what side I am in and where I belong. I feel so out of place. So left out. I think they’re trying to reject me and keep me outside of their circle.

What’s more painful? After all what I did. All the sacrifices. All the efforts. All of them. Eveything. But here I am, in ruins. Destroyed. Broken. In so much pain. And her, I have nothing against her, she’s in complete happiness right now and she deserves it. She is kind and she deserves all the love she can get. She’s so content with what she has right now. She’s in cloud nine while I am in hell.

I just want to ask You God. What did I do wrong to be in this so much pain? Yes. I’ve sinned a lot I know and if not for Your son’s sacrifice, I should be enjoying the flames of hell right now. But why? Why are you putting me in this kind of pain and hurt? I feel so discouraged, so left out. I thought you really love me? I did everything to love You. Yes I have shortcomings but I tried to read Your word and to talk to You in prayers. But I don’t really feel You there. Have You left me? God, I feel like I wanna take this life of mine and free myself from this pain. I feel so much pain.

But I can’t. I love my family. That’s assuming I still know what love really means. My family and relatives are the ones left that push me fight this pain right now. I can’t bear the idea of them losing me because I know they love me so much. My friends? I don’t know who are my friends. I think all the people around me in this campus just interact with me because of their need of me. They’re all the same. They’re users. They’re parasites. Squeezing everything they can get from me. I don’t know if I’m just being self-centered and selfish. I don’t know and I don’t understand. So please, make this heart a stone. I don’t want to feel any pain. I feel so much hate. Make me numb. I’ll try not to entertain the idea of killing myself. Just make me numb. If You happen to still have even just a little bit of compassion for me, show me my real friends. Show me who really does care about me because I don’t know if there’s any.

​Tatlong Katanungan, Iisang Kasagutan

Buwan ang binilang, ilang taon pa ang bibilangin

Bago tunay na masabing, ang puso ay gumaling

Bawat segundo at minuto, puno ng katanungan

Tila walang patid na bakit, paano, at hanggang kailan
Bakit, napakahirap nga ba talagang sagutin

Ngunit ang hinintay na sagot, kayhirap tanggapin

Pag ang mga salita iyo nang binitawan

Walang mahihiling kundi sariling kamatayan
Paano, lahat ng paraan na maaring banggitin

Bawat salitang mamumutawi, walang hindi didinggin

Ngunit ang bawat paliwanag na nais mapakinggan

Ang siyang wawasak sa marupok na kalooban
Hanggang kailan kailangang tiisin

Na makita, iyong saya sa kanyang piling

Tatlong katanungan, iisa’t ito lang ang kasagutan

Iyong pag-ibig, kailanma’y di makakamtan

And he was happy for her

He never loved that way before.

Not a moment passed by that he never wished to be the man whom she gives her sweetest smiles and her loving words.

Not a second passed by that he never tried to think about anything else he could have done to win her heart and her love.

Not a minute passed by that he never thought of reasons why she never chose him.

Not an hour passed by that his heart did not cry seeing her so happy with him.

Not a day passed by that he never wishes her to love him back.

After more than a year, he is now at this point at last. All the pain, hurt, bitterness, regrets, anger, and hate brought him down to his knees. He was at his breaking point. No more tears came out of his downcast eyes. No more words came out of his mouth. It is as if he already lost all the pieces of his heart. At that point in time, he closed his eyes. He tried to feel all of it. He tried to recall everything and feel the pain one last time. As his knees hit the ground, he heard a sweet, little voice inside his head.

“Give all the pieces back to Me.”

In that highly emotional night, he chose to listen to that voice. He chose to gather all those pieces, broken as they may be, and willingly gave it to Him. Surrendering those pieces, he knows, is a tough and continuous process. But surely, he chose to trust the One who told him to do it.

It has been weeks since he gave all the pieces back to Him. Yes, he still feels some of the shards of the broken heart he surrendered. Yet as the day passes him by, pain and hurt fades continuously. He still feels a little bit of sting whenever he sees her with him. But his confidence lies on the One who told him to give his heart back to where it really belongs in the first place. And that One’s love for him has caught him off-guard. That One’s love for him is slowly kicking out all the pain and hurt in his heart.

Not a moment, second, minute, hour, day, week, month, or year passed by that He never loved him. That love conquered his heart. That love strengthened his heart. That love made everything for him. That love gave him the strength to trust the process. That love made him realize that there is no other love better than that love.

That love captivated his heart.

That love overwhelmed his mind.

That love that sees all the depths of his heart was constant.

That love made him choose to be happy for her.

And he has never been happier before.

‘Til it’s right

“…do not awaken love until the time is right.” Song of Solomon 8:4 (NLT)

To you whom I really liked. Your faith, your heart, your kindness, your gentleness, your peaceful and quiet demeanor, not to mention your pretty face, makes my heart smile a lot. I can’t deny the fact that what I feel grows more as the days pass us by. The more I deny it, the more it shows up. I try to suppress it with everything. I try to cover it up. I try to tell myself that maybe there are other better ladies. But I can’t.

I remember the day when you reminded me of that verse. That we should not awaken love until the time is right. Ever since I came to know you, you’ve always pushed me closer to God and entrust everything unto His perfect plan. You helped me make myself desire more of Him in my life and put my heart in the palm of His hands. You helped me become a better man by reminding me to pursue God first above all else. I sincerely thank you for that. I never encountered a lady who has that kind and sincere heart like yours. 

So today, as a sign of my commitment for a #HappilyEverAfter lovelife, I wanna make some promises for me to keep.

First, I promise to trust God in every area of my life. 

I promise to continuously seek God, knowing that I will find Him if I seek Him with all my heart.

I promise to do His will in my life and become the man He called me to be.

I promise to guard my heart and keep my thoughts and my emotions captive to Jesus Christ.

I promise to patiently wait for you and know you a little bit further even though you’re a very quiet and reserved person.

I promise to continuously pray for what I feel about you, knowing that the Holy Spirit will help me discern God’s perfect will for me in this matter.

I promise to apply in my life the lessons of the books you recommended for me to read even though it will definitely be a struggle.

I promise to be your friend until the time is right for me to try taking that friendship to the next level.

I promise that in God’s time, I will muster all the courage I could muster to tell you what I feel about you.

I promise to be brave and man enough to pursue you the right way at the right time.

I promise not to make the moves until we’re both prepared to enter that season in our lives.

I promise not to be daunted by the thought of you rejecting me and choosing another man, knowing that God has a wonderful plan for my life.

Lastly, I promise to wait patiently for love ’til it’s right, knowing that God has made everything beautiful in its time.

Happy Valentines! 💜